Fifteen Tips for a Happy Marriage

I didn’t write this (I’ve never been married). It’s from the files of my friend Mike Caughill. (He’s on his second marriage, cialis sales see so he must know what he’s talking about.)

1.) Kiss each other hello and goodbye.
Kissing reminds you that you’re more than just friends. And often it’s the closest you’ll get to sex for weeks at a time.

2.) Have children.
A child transforms a couple into a family.
Until you have a child, order you’re not really related. A child means that you both have the same blood relative. And, as an added bonus, a child will often bring you and your spouse closer together. Much the same way Hitler brought the Allies together.

3.) Go to bed angry.
By the time you wake up, you won’t remember what the fight was about and if you do, you’ll at least be well-rested for starting it up again.

4.) Have mutual interests and seperate hobbies.
Mutual interests (like children) give you something to talk about. Seperate hobbies gives you something to talk about other than your mutual interests.

5.) Hold hands whenever you walk in public.
The main reason for this is that it makes other married couples think you’re happier than they are.

6.) Never argue about money or sex.
Money and sex are the two biggest reasons couples fight. The best way to avoid fighting about these two categories is to have plenty of both.

7.) Never criticize your spouse’s family.
Remember, your spouse didn’t choose his or her family. On the other hand, they did choose you. Praise them for their good taste in picking such a wonderful partner.

8.) Have pets.
Pets serve many of the same purposes as children, with the added benefit that you can always give a bad pet to an unsuspecting friend.

9.) Never have a better friend than your mate.
If you like someone better than your spouse, marry them instead. Best friends make the best marriages. Never let an outside friendship interfere with the relationship between you and your spouse.

10.) Never criticize in public.
Unless, of course, your spouse criticizes you first. In which case, it’s open season.

11.) Use pet names.
Calling each other by pet names can bring you closer together and establish a sense of having something that’s just between the two of you. Of course, if the pet names you’re using are “Spot??? or “Rover??? you might want to seek professional help.

12.) Agree ahead of time what religion to raise your children.
Unless, of course, you’re both Satan worshippers. In which case, your belief in human sacrifice will probably make the whole point moot.

13.) Never give your spouse exercise equipment.
No matter how you meant it, your spouse will take this as a sure sign that you think he or she is too fat. As a gift, exercise equipment ranks somewhere between cash and a sexually transmitted disease.

14.) Never cheat on your spouse.
Even if that new guy or gal at the office is really, really hot. Really.

15.) Both of you should wear the pants in the house.
We also strongly recommend that you wear them when leaving the house.

2 comments December 15th, 2005


Being in a wheelchair gives you a unique perspective on the world. This blog features many of my views on politics, art, science, and entertainment. My name is Elliot Stearns. More...

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